Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
