i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
