none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
