Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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