So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
