I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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