I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
tell me about the eggs
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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