Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
