if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
