I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
