Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
