it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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