yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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