his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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