Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
