I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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