She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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