I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
