I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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