The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
