9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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