It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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