thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
