Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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