I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
