you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
