He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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