I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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