I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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