sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
