just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
