3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
