I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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