she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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