i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
