I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
