the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
