I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
