your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
