as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
