I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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