my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
