Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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