he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
