Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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