Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
