Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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