A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
