I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
