batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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