So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
