if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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