Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
