i think my mom watched the whole time
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
